A harrowing conversation with Christofer Drew
We all know the kid’s a lyrical genius, but I’m about to take you into the inner workings of this prodigy’s head.
The following convo is the legit precursor to ‘Trouble’, a gem of a song which you can listen to here. It puts the scrawny likes of any other composer/musical legend/rick astley to shame. Vivaldi is literally recoiling in his grave right now because anything C. Drew touches makes Les Quatre Saisons sound like trash.
I’m unveiling this convo for the first time and encourage you to pause the song as you read along. It’ll be like you were there; revel in a piece of history:
CD: I’m in trouble. I’m an addict.
Me: Shit. Listen, Chris, I’m glad you’ve come forth about this, man. Meth addictions can be easily -
CD: I’m addicted to this girl.
Me: - oh. Oh, okay -
CD: She’s.. got my heart tied in a knot.. and - my stomach in a whirl.
Me: Gross.
CD: But even worse, I can’t stop calling her. She’s all I want and more.
Me: This sounds not unlike every teenage relationship, ever. Let’s just be rational about this, for 2 seconds? Ok. Um. What do you like best about her?
CD: I mean, daaamn - what’s not to adore?
Me: You’re too pasty to be saying damn like that.
CD: I’ve been playing too much guuuitar, I’ve been listening to JAZZ.
Me: WTF. This is absolutely worse than originally thought, Chris -
CD: I called so many times, I swear, she’s going mad.
Me: Yeah. That’s typically the point you, uh, getaneffingclue.
CD: And that cellular will be the death of us, I swear! I swear.
Me: That’s weird that you would swear that twice. And it’s ‘cell phone’, not cellular, you pretentious fucking -
CD: And oh, o-oh, o-oh, o-ooh, ooooh. I’m running my mouth just like I got her.. but I surely don’t.
Me: Awww… Don’t say tha - listen, um. Sorry about lashing out at you and stuff. It’s completely out of line. Just don’t get so bummed out, bitches ain’t nothin but ho’s and tricks, right? Ahah ha ha. Hah except for me ahah. Heh aklsdfjkl;asjf
CD: Because she’s so -
Me: Did you even catch a word of that?
CD: O-oh,
Me: …
CD: O-oh, o-ooh..
Me: Get a fucking haircut.
CD: ROCK ‘N ROLL \m/
Me: That was like 50 decibels too loud.
CD: And out of my league… is she out of my league?
Me: Probs.
CD: Let’s hope not.
Me: Let’s not hope not. JK. NOT. >:l
CD: I’m in trouble. I’m so cliché, see that word just wears me out… makes me feel like just another boy to laugh and joke about.
Me: iluvyou
CD: But even worse, I can’t stop calling her. I love to hear that voice, and -
Me: So what are you gonna do?
CD: Honestly… I’m left with no choice.
Me: .. meaning - ?
CD: I’ve been playing too much guiiitar, I’ve been listening to JAZZ -
Me: Yeah.. yeah, we’ve already established that.
CD: I called so many times, I swear she’s going mad.
Me: And for good reason - I’m not kidding, cut that shit out.
CD: And that cellular will be the death of us… I swear, I swear. And -
Me: I’m Leaving. Call me when your balls drop.
CD: Oh, o-oh, o-oh, o-ooh, ooooh
Me: Quit moaning.
CD: I’m running my mouth just like I got her, but I surely don’t.
Me: How does anything you have ever said lead me to believe you ‘got her’?
CD: - Because she’s so o-oh, o-oh, o-ooh -
Me: What, Chris, WHAT?
CD: ROCK ‘N ROLL… and out of my league.
Me: ? Out of your - ok, ok. I get it. It’s cool. The whole.. fishing for compliments facade is so transparent. You’re masking your narcissism with self-depreciating remarks just so I’ll be all “bawwww chris you’re out of HER league”. You’re full of BS.
CD: ..Is she out of my league??
Me: Honestly, I mean, yeah. And she’s probably getting a restraining order on you soon.
CD: Let’s hope not.
Me: Whatever.
CD: And ohh..
Me: What?
CD: O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh, ooooh, oooh
Me: Spontaneous orgasm - ? Not creepy, not at all.
Seriously, you’ve been a complete headcase lately. I’m actually really, really worried about you. I know we haven’t talked in a while or whatever, but, I’m concerned. You need time away from this girl/myspace. I’ll bring over a copy of From Justin to Kelly and a pack of grape fanta and we can just kick it, no strings attached no big deal.
CD:
Me: We’re gonna get through this.
CD:
Me: Chris?
CD:
Me: Really, you have nothing else to add? After all that?
CD:
Me: …
CD:
Me: iluvyou:(
